Buy a wreath and glue 50 suckers around it. Take black ribbon (about inch wide) and with glue print "50 Sucks!"--take gold sprinkles and sprinkle over glue--attach this to wreath. Or you could use a nicer banner that reads "50 is Fab", you could also use candies instead of suckers.
HILLBILLY BUBBLE BATH
Put some beans in a small jar and label it "Hillbilly Bubblebath" " cook and eat two hours before bathing".
LOST MY MARBLES
I just got this from a Christmas Bazaar today. 1 marble in a small zip bag a little bigger than a business card. A poem inside was the size of a business card, with decorative trim around the edges. It read: "Sometimes it seems we lose our way and life becomes so blue. You think you've lost your "marbles" and others suspect it's true. But in spite of all the odds my friend, life can be wonderful too. Just remember, that no matter what, I'm always here for you. So when you think you've lost them all; pull out my gift to you. It may be small, and only one...but you haven't lost them all!!!"
BELLY BUTTON DUSTER.
Take a sparkly pipe cleaner, cut in half, glue a cotton ball on one end and a small bunch of flowers with bow on the other end.
BELLY BUTTON BRUSH (here's another version)
You need: any color pipe cleaner, long bead, cardboard stock printing paper, small piece of wood (optional). Cut pipe cleaner in 3" sections. Take one end and push down into bead. Roll remaining pipecleaner into a circle. (The bead & pipe cleaner now look like a small toilet brush.)
MORE INSTRUCTIONS: For the belly button duster and brush. Make a matched set with small dowel rods about 9" long and use the pipe cleaner coiled for a brush end. Wrap it to the rod with a small piece of pipe cleaner. Glue a white pom,pom to the other rod. For handles, use some old ball point pens, remove the inside and unscrew them. They work on the dowels. Put a little glue in them to hold then on.
BELLY BUTTON BLOW DRYER
ordinary flexible drinking straw attached to a card that says:
Take deep breath. Place one end of dryer in mouth. Bend over. Place other end of dryer near belly button. Blow. Repeat if necessary. CAUTION - Do NOT inhale when dryer is near belly button.
HILLBILLY WASHER AND DRYER
These are a tiny clothes pin and a metal washer (you use them between a nut and a bolt when building things) in a small baggie with a tag reading Washer and Dryer - I usually use the name of a local town (Pozo Washer and Dryer or Hill Billy or Redneck...)
The Yard Stick is a stick (with personality of course...) I made up a tag which I attached. "This is a yard stick. I know this cause I found it in my yard. You can do many things with this yard stick - you can check to see how deep a mud puddle is... you can check to see how much gas is in the lawn mower...You can play catch with dog with it... you can even use it to start a fire. You can use it for whatever you wish, just DON'T put it back in my yard!!!"
You put dried peas in a baggie with the instructions - "Sprinkle peas on the water. When the fish come up to take a P** catch em!"
GIFT NOT INCLUDED
I bought two AA batteries, put them in a box with a note saying "Gift not included"
MAXIPAD BEDROOM SLIPPERS OR PADABOUT SLIPPERS
You need four maxi's to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. There you have slippers. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc. Add label:
Pad About Slippers
(for the Discrete Woman)
* Soft and Hygenic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deoderant feature
* Keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable. Evirnomentally safe
* Three convenient sizes:
Regular, Light day and Get out the Sand Bags
The booger keeper is a wooden box or whatever box you choose to use. Put tin foil on the bottom. Then dab a few areas on a table or counter top with rubber cement. Roll each dab around a bit and it looks like a booger. Place them in the box on top of the tin foil and you have a booger keeper. Attach this poem:
My Mother always told me
Everything had a place...
So I've made this Booger Keeper
To keep them off your face!
Just open up the tiny lid
And place them in, with care..
Nobody need know you have them...OR
SHOW THEM IF YOU DARE!!!
The home exerciser is a block of wood with this saying printed on paper glued to it.
1. Place in middle of the floor
2. Walk around it two times
3. Rest, you've just walked around the block two times.
SENIOR CITIZEN'S MONEY CLIP
Take card stock and print the print like this:
Leave enough space in the middle to glue a penny in a paper clip.
OPTIONAL: You can also make the money clip out of the tab that comes off a soda/beer can... Just bend it with pliers around a penny.
A big box with the lable "Unfinished furniture". Inside the box is a branch, leaves and all!
PORK AND BEANS
Glue a small pig on the lid of a baby food jar and inside the jar add some dried beans.
Put some straw in a zip-loc bag and attach a tag that reads "Straw Hat -- Assembly Required"
Place several switches in a small brown paper bag, allowing them to stick out the top. Tie with curly ribbon and attach the following poem:
Cause you've not been as good as you could,
You're not getting what you thought you would.
No toys or goodies under the tree,
Just ashes and switches from little ole me.
RED NECK FISHING
Stick of dynamite (made from cardboard tube painted or colored red and a long string coming out of the end.
A mini spring type clothes pin with a penny clipped in it, and write on the clothespin "Penny Pincher" :)
A block of wood with one wooden kitchen match in the end of it.
Sawdust in a small zip lock bag labeled "Expert Jigsaw Puzzle"
Take the white packing peanuts or mini-marshmallows put them in a tin can. Add a note that says,
You've been bad
so here's the scoop
all you get
is snowman's poop!
REINDEER POOP - Use Raisinets and change snowman to reindeer.
Railroad spike painted tan and the words written on it with a black marker.
DIAMOND STICK PIN
Glue a dime on a stick ("dime-on" Stick) and add a pin back. A little card that says something to the effect that you have too expensive of taste for our frugal budget or explain the pun.
ROLL IN THE HAY
I took pieces of straw and put in cellophane bags with a tootsie roll and a tag that said "roll in the hay"
A ROUND TUIT
Write or type this verse and using a small wooden circle, stiff cardboard, poker chip, etc., with Tuit written on it. Glue both to a card or put into snack bag.
The faucet that leaks,
The hinge that squeaks.
The crack in the door,
The hole in the floor.
You said you'd do it,
Just as soon as you could
get around to it.
Now the round tuit is here,
So my friend never fear,
You'll have all the time to do it,
Since from this day you can't get
away with the excuse,
WHEN I GET A ROUND TUIT.
AND ANOTHER VERSION:
THIS IS A TUIT Guard if with you life, as TUITS are hard to come by, expecially the round ones. This is an indispensable item. It will help you become a more efficient worker. For years we have heard people say, "I'll do it as soon as I get a ROUND TUIT." Now that you have one, you can accomplish all those things you put aside until you got a ROUND TUIT.
HERD STARTER KIT
White beans that have black spots painted on them in a small bag. Attach a card that has a picture of a cow and reads "Herd Starter Kit" the back reads...
To start your own herd, plant the seeds in a warm spot right side up (you don't want the cows to grow upside down, do you? Be patient, it takes a long time to start your own herd. For best results, moo softly while watering.
HILLBILLY STOOL SAMPLE
A tiny wooden stool in a prescription bottle
EXPERT QUILT KITS
Tiny squares of fabric in a jar. The jar has a fabric circle to cover the top and a cute little label that says Expert Quilt Kit.
NORTH DAKOTAN BUILD A HOME KIT
Put sawdust in a little craft bag and put in a little paper graphic of a bottle of glue or a glue stick. The card topper says "North Dakotan Build a Home Kit" (some assembly required)
Put shredded wheat in a little bag. The card topper says: "When did my wild oats turn into shredded wheat?"
M & M MENOPAUSE RELIEF
To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate, eat the BROWN one.
At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.
Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.
The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left alone.
If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW one.
The BLUE one reduces bloating.
If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat the WHOLE bag.
Put wood shavings in a bag and attach poem:
Sprinkle in your driveway
To lure termites from your house.
THen be really sneaky
just like a little mouse
And stomp those little pests
so you can have a rest!
MAGIC WEIGHT LOSS BEANS
Put navy beans in bag and attach this label:
MAGIC WEIGHT LOSS BEANS
1 Remove beans from bag.
2 Throw them on the floor.
3 Bend down and pick up each bean.
4 Repeat hourly as needed.
Put M&Ms or Jelly Beans in a bag and attach this label:
The Grinch went down to Who-ville
And loaded up his sleigh.
He couldn't resist the yummy smells,
And sampled along the way.
His tummy started to rumble,
Then it began to shout.
Just when he thought he might explode,
He blasted these mighty "toots" out.
To his releif, he felt so good,
It helped him with his mood.
He returned to Who-ville kind at heart,
But stayed away from all the food!
For relief of distressing symptoms associated with luck opponents and stupid partners, recommended doses:
Ball in rough - 1 green
Bsll in water - 1 purple
Ball in sand trap - 1 yellow
Ball out of bounds - 1 black
Bogey - 2 orange
Double Bogey - 3 red
Arguing Opponent/partner - 1 of each color
Mental confusion - 2 of each color
Really, REALLY mad - eat entire bag!!!
GOLF BALL SEEDS
Put beans in a bag or a seed packet (with hole cut out and covered with cellophane) and add topper:
A vine or two will provide you with enough golf balls so you will never have to hunt for one in the rough again and that is a pretty "fairway" to save time and money
On the back
Choose a smooth section of lawn.
The closer it resembles a green, the higher the quality of the balls produced. Remove a divot of sod using either a 5 or 7 iron. Use your putter to dig a hole about 6 inches deep - this gives new meaning to "puttering around in the yard..." Put the seed into the hole. Place a tall, thin pole on top of the seed as a trellis for the vine. Use a triangular flag to number each pole. If you try to grow over 18 plants at one time, they may not perform up to "par"! If plants are over watered, the balls will be attracted to water hazards.
Your first crop should be ready for harvest in "roughly" 18 days. When balls mature, the flag will fall over. Carefully pull the vine out of the ground. Under it, you should find a matched set of high quality golf balls. After running them through a ball washer, they should suit you to a "tee".
SHORT ON DOUGH
Attach a bow to a roll of cookie dough with this note: "We thought this would come in handy since everyone's a little short on dough around Christmas time."
OLD AGE PILLS
(Use jelly beans in a large prescription bottle)
The red pill may be cut into fourths if needed.
ELECTRIC TOILET PLUNGER
The first year my husband & I were married we got an "electric" toilet plunger. It was just a normal toilet plunger with a hole drilled in the top and an electric cord w/plug glued into the hole.
Put this topper on a little baggie of goldfish crackers.
It's known you like to fish alot,
your line dropped in the water.
But sometimes they aren't biting,
so you can't catch what you oughter!
When these times come, just grab
this pack of ready-to-grow fish seed
, then raise them til they fit the size
your best "fish stories" need!
Put green candy (M&Ms, Jelly Beans) in plastic bag and add topper:
The Grinch has been here!
He left just one clue...
This little green pile,
Of Grinchy "Pooh."
But why did he do it?
Did he want to get caught?
As the Grinch would say,
"I most certainly did not!"
But Santa and the reindeer
(with nose set on dim),
Landed on the roof,
And scared IT out of him!
He left in a hurry-
Leaving little green piles
All over the ground.
HO-HO-HO, Christmas is near
So here is a bit of Christmas Cheer!
I heard from a little Birdy
Who sits on the stoop,
You been mean and naughty,
So here is your Grinch Poop!
Take a mason jar or some sort of clear jar and put water in it. Put in a carrot, a button and two small pieces of coal. I thought about charcoal??? Put a label on the jar that reads: "Melted snow man. May be refrozen and molded into original snow man head. Warning: Do not drink because, well, it's simply gross!"
I took a pair of men's breifs and sewed the legs shut. Attached elastic handles to the waist band with buttons.
then i put the following into the "brief case":
old car key=hillbilly ear wax remover
cut up newspaper strips the size of toilet paper=hillbilly toilet paper
a jar of beans=hillbilly bubble bath
matches and a jar=hillbilly lantern
belly button brush
I left the fly area open as this held pens and pencils really well, it will also hold a cell phone...lol
MORE ITEMS FOR THE BRIEFCASE
(This could be added to the Hillbilly Briefcase) Add a pair of feet with all ten toes cut out of construction paper then folded like a card and inside the card all the toes numbered.
HILLBILLY TELEPHONES=two tin cans with string atached to both.
HILLBILLY CELL PHONE=one tin can with an antenna
HILLBILLY MICROWAVE=magnifying glass(uses the sun to cook)
About a 6" cut off a small log and a stick attached to resemble a golf club. On it print "hillbilly putter."
Made similar to the putter just a shorter handle made to look like a rubber mallet. On it print "Attitude Adjuster"
It is made out an nylon stocking. A round ball stuffed with cotton about 1 - 1 1/2 inches across. gathered at top and tied with small bit of ribbon. Two tiny eyes glued onto it. Poem attatched.
This worry wart will be your friend,
And when your day is at it's end
Just relax..........worry no more,
Cuz that's what this little wart is for.
Put an old work sock (complete with holes!) in a zip-lock, and then attach this poem:
"Official Santa Sock"
My puppy must have stolen it
On last year's Christmas Eve.
I hope that Santa's toes weren't froze
When he had to leave.
I'm passing it along to you
As quiet as a mouse!
And THIS year if he's lookin' for it
IT WON'T BE AT MY HOUSE!!!!
SOME OTHER IDEAS
Over the hill instant face lift=a small roll of duct tape.
Over the hill make-up brush=a cheap paint brush for painting walls.
Bag confetti items, i.e., small airplanes, boats, cars, trucks, for those who just can't really afford the brand spankin new ones they can grow their own.
Musical notes confetti can be given to the person who just can't carry a tune, you can give them a bag of notes!
Tiny little Christmas presents that are meant for miniatures, these could be given for someone who is wishing for that very expensive present, they can grow their own.
TREASURE JARS: You can make theme related treasure or puzzle jars= fishermans treasure jar filled with birdseed and all sorts of fishing stuff like tiny hooks, a bobber can be made from a small bead and a toothpic, tiny rubber worms, a piece of fishing line, ice fishing hooks etc. Then there is the crafters puzzle jar filled with crafting items, the sewers puzzle jar filled with sewing items. the office worker puzzle jar and so on. Then for the man's man puzzle jar only add tool related items nuts, bolts, screws, washers, wire connectors, a car fuse etc.
Emergency rope for when you're at the end of yours = small piece of rope in a baggie. Anti-airhead aides = two cotton balls in a baggie.
CUPID POOP Put Cinnamon Hearts, Message Hearts, Sweet Tarts in a bag with the following topper:
Couldn't send you flowers
And candy wouldn't do
Mushy cards just didn't say
The things I wanted them to
So I got you something special
And here's the inside scoop
I found you something very rare
It's genuine Cupid Poop!
HUNTER'S SURVIVAL KIT
Jerky, Trail mix, Chap stix, socks, bug repellant, map of the area to be hunted etc..... ADD..2 one dollar bills so that "THE MIGHTY HUNTER"can say he brought home TWO BUCKS... ADD..2 aspirin...incase he get's "BUCK FEVER"...... Add a frilly Garter...label it DEAR LURE...to lure my BUCK back home. A small bottle labeled "DEAR REPELLENT'and "Not now Dear, I'm going HUNTING"
PET DUST BUNNIES
Dryer lint in a bag with google eyes.
THE THREE STEP DIET PROGRAM
Three plastic forks, for 20-30 lbs weight loss, 1 has only one tine removed and numbered 1, for 30-50 lbs weight to lose, 2 has two tines removed and numbered 2, 50 lbs + has all tines removed and labeled number three, all three are put into a bag together so they can diet in a 3 step program.
crochet thread or heavy cotton cording, label reads for those hard to reach areas.
DODGE, FORD, CHEVY MOTOR REPAIR KIT
Duct tape and a rubber band in a baggie.
A blue jean pocket or any kind of pocket in a bag with the header saying "Pockets are like friends...everybody needs one!"
Here is a site that has some tags that you could print out.
Have some suggestions for gag gifts? Add your ideas to our current list? Please share them with us. And don't forget to leave your page address or e-mail address if you want it linked. Thanks to all who have submitted suggestions.